My Wacked-Out Dream

Oh my goodness, so this dream I had.
By the way, I just proof-read what I've written below for the first time, and realised I sound kind of drunk. So, disclaimer: I am not drunk. That's just how crazy this dream is - you try to retell it, and you end up sounding crazier than it is.

First of all, I was at Lord Howe Island, which (for you out-of-towners) is where I go on holidays with my fam every January. What? Yeah. So I was there with my sister Catherine and her friend Alex, who we all call Womble for reasons I can't be bothered to explain. Anyway, Catherine and Womble and I were supposed to go snorkeling together, but while we were waiting for the boat, the two of them started bullying me over the fact that I don't hate Goldie Hawn. It was like "I can't believe you don't hate Goldie Hawn! She's such a bitch! Why wouldn't you call her a bitch? You're such a doormat for not calling her a bitch!" etc etc etc.
Well that got old pretty quickly, and I was all "Dudes, Goldie Hawn never did anything to me, why would I call her a bitch? I mean she's no Anne Hathaway, but she's alright. That Bird On A Wire movie was pretty funny, and she was in that! You guys are retarded."
Anyway.
Apparently me calling them retarded really offended them, so instead of letting me come snorkeling with them, they made me go on this scuba diving trip with 3 strangers. So I'm on this weird boat, which is basically a steering wheel, an engine and four chairs. The chairs are literally tied to the back of the boat with rope - except for mine, which (once I realised) became a cause for concern. The girl sitting next to me (I was on the edge) was like "Quick! Hold onto my hand!", which luckily I did because right then the boat started and my chair like, FLIPPED OFF the end. I was still holding this girls hand but the chair (with me on it) is flipping the shit out. I was flipping through the air, into the water, back into the air, over the top of the boat...it was totally traumatising but also - in hindsight - kind of completely awesome. Probably the best part of the dream, in fact.
Eventually we got back to shore, and I was so upset about the whole ordeal that I ran home where my friend Julia and Romeo from Home and Away were waiting to console me. To cut a long story short, I ended up sitting on Romeo's lap in a peach coloured dressing gown. But we didn't make out. Which was a bummer cause (as far as dudes on Home and Away go), that kid's kind of hot. But that's irrelevant...
Because suddenly I was in an episode of Prison Break! Michael, Lincoln, Sara and some other randoms were driving a boat towards this weird island, and - this is the best part - I was Sara. But for some reason acting really strange; I couldn't stand up or talk or anything. When we got to the island, Michael and Lincoln had to carry me off the boat and set me on the sand next to this little kid, where I proceeded to have an asthma attack. Which Michael totally ignored, by the way. I thought that was kind of lame. Something else happened after that, which I can't really remember (you know how it is with dreams), but you can rest assured that it was hell dramatic, and at the end I (as Sara) turned to Michael and said "I love you, but it's not going to work out", then ran into the island wilderness.
Then - stay with me folks - I became Michael, and was all like "Holy shit Sara just left me! I bet it's because I ignored her when she was having that asthma attack before, man I am such an ass." Then I saw Sara running through the forest and calling "Michael, come and follow me! Come and follow me! Come and fffooollllooowww meeeee!" in a really creepy echo-ey voice, you know the kind that ghosts have? Well obviously in dreams I am stupid enough to follow ghosts, because I started following her. UNTIL I heard a voice in my head that turned out to be the real Sara, and it said "Michael, no! Don't follow her, she's not the real me! She's a poltergeist!"
Eh.
Poltergeist, ghost.
Tomaytoh, tomahtoh.
Anyway.
Then some other stuff which I also can't remember happened, but in the end I wound up making out with Sara. As Michael. Which was extremely weird. THEN I became myself (as in Jacki. I know, finally I'm actually making an appearance in this dream as myself), walking along the beach behind this guy who had a strange tattoo - it was like a big black oval with a paw print above it. When I reached him, I poked the middle of the oval with my finger, and he turned and hugged me. Then we made out for a while. And then I woke up.
Best.
Dream.
Ever.

Lesson: Why You Should Never Lend Out Your Laptop

So, this was a fun conversation:

Mum: Can I use your computer for a second?
Jacki: (Distracted by American Idol) Sure, yeah, whatever

PAUSE

Mum: Jacki...
Jacki: Mmm?
Mum: Why does it say 'dolphin gang-rape' in the Google search bar?

AWKWARD SILENCE

Jacki: Um...I can explain.

Get Ready To Laugh Despite Yourself

A boy is standing in the school yard and hears some older kids talking about 'pussy', and their 'bitches'. Confused, the boy goes to his mother.
"Mum," the boy asks, "What is a pussy?"
The mother is pretty startled by this, but thinks quickly. Finding the nearest dictionary, she opens it up to a picture of a cat, points, and says "Son, this is a pussy."
The son then asks "What's a bitch?", so the mother flips to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son is still confused. He sees his father watching television, and asks "Dad, what is a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss his television show, so he whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine, flips to the centrefold, grabs a pen and draws a circle around the woman's vagina. "Son," he says, "this is a pussy."
The son, starting to understand what the older kids in the school yard were talking about, asks "Then what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "Everything that's outside the circle!"